Things My Boyfriend’s Mother Says.
I realize this entire blog thing is turning into some weird manifestation of “I’m obsessed with my boyfriend!” but these stories really need told and I don’t have enough friends who aren’t currently in jail.
Today, I went garage sale-ing with my boyfriend’s mother, Linda. We typically chat it up at his house, over HGTV and the like, but aside from that, we’ve only ever been to Cody’s Honor’s Society (wasteoftime) Induction Ceremony together. So, I thought it might be awkward to just randomly be hanging out with his Mom while he was at work. Especially once I found out we were to get started at eight in the morning.
From here, I think the quotes will speak for themselves.
Garage Sale Woman: Hey ladies, you lookin’ at those plates? Give ya a deal on all of em! Real cheap!
Linda (to me): Does she think we want the plates? I don’t want the plates.
Me: I don’t either, but let’s humor her? — I don’t know, a dollar a plate… kinda steep!
Linda: How much for four of them? I don’t need seven plates.
GSW: How much you willing to pay?
Linda: A dollar.
GSW: Let’s do it.
How did this go from “let’s humor her” to Linda whispering “let’s jew her down” to Linda then blurting out that she wanted four very ugly plates for one dollar? Jesus, Middle America is great.
Linda begins to tell me of the issues she’s been having since she got a promotion into Management. She’s worked at this place for many, many years, but now her job is a lot to do with computers. She has never had an interest in them, or a need (she says) to be on one, other than for the purpose of playing Mahjong.
Linda: These people would rather me email them than call them, I mean talk about ridiculous. Why would ya want that? But I figure, okay, you’re paying me more to do it, so… I’ll do it. But then my email’s all messed up!
Me: How is it messed up?
Linda: Well. First they tell me they set up the account and then I go to get on it and it gives me this error shit, sorry, it gives me an error thingie and I say “Mike! What’s this mean?” and he looks and clicks something, I don’t know what he clicked, but it let me in! Then! I type up the email and press send and I just wait, thinking everything’s fine, until I get this email. The email says they weren’t able to send my email but they WERE able to send me an email telling me they couldn’t send it? Come on, people!
Me: (painful, silent laughter) Uh huh. What happened next?
Linda: Well finally Cody came home and I said “Cody what the hell does this mean!” and I guess I was just typing it wrong.
Me: Did you have the entire address in there?
Linda: Oh I don’t know. Cody taught me how to put a bunch of people in some list and then just click on their names to send the mail so, I don’t know what we did but I maybe got it a little bit now.
Later.
Linda: I talked to Oscar in tech support the other day for three hours.
Me: No… It wasn’t three hours.
Linda: A little over three hours, yeah.
Me: What were you, what were you? What were you doing for three hours?
Linda: Well he had to uninstall Windows 8 because he said it wasn’t compatible with my work program.
Me: You mean Internet Explorer 8? They just came out with Windows 7.
Linda: Oh who knows, maybe that. Anyway, we uninstalled Windows 8… (later into the story)
So then he says “I want you to copy and paste this” and I said “What the hell does that mean, Oscar?” and he told me okay, click on this stuff and then right click and hit copy. Well I did that and nothing happened. So I told him, nothing’s happening, something isn’t right on my screen. And I don’t know, he had me skip that step. But still, copy paste, I don’t know what that means.
We go to Sonic. Linda is ordering our food and drink items and the monitor person cuts her off to begin with the total. Not taking any shit from this employee, Linda yells(!)
“HEY!!”
Carhop: Yes?
Linda: No mayonnaise on that burger!!
We hear nothing at all from the monitor, so Linda turns to me.
Linda: Did you hear the total? She was cuttin’ me off! They probly think I’m really mad at mayonnaise! I just don’t like it on my burgers.
The carhop brings our things and later one comes out with what is called the Smile Tray. She asks if we need anything and jogs off before we answer, so again, not to be ignored, Linda leans out of her car window and says
“HEY!!! Can you bring me a medium coke?”
It was awesome, basically. We had a good day. There were many more hilarious things I wanted to write down but I am exhausted and need to shower before Cody gets off work and we begin the BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION.
PS- I’m a real adult now. I bought a bed. AND a dresser!
