Somehow, I completely forgot about tumblr. There are many stories that would make great blogs but there’s little point to writing. It all moves along.
False advertisement.
I’m going to say the past four days? The past four days. I have not slept in my own house, due to some strange new affinity to getting wasted with friends and passing out on porches. I think I’ve lost at least ten pounds this week, thanks largely to the best plan ever of skipping food to drink more alcohol and round the night off with puking off of the side of the aforementioned porch.
Worst ideas of these times:
1 - Played Circle of Death, my second night with beer. (I do not drink beer, ever, because it is disgusting.) Was quickly realized as the girl that will always fail the thumb war, because what is everyone doing with their thumbs on the table every time this happens? I don’t care about that.
This lead to me basically shotgunning three beers in under half an hour.
2 - Thought it even better to mix the drunk with more idiocy and then saw an opportunity with my father, who texts me to let me know he’s “about to burn 1.” What I woke up to in my sent folder was the following:
Me - Yo pops, heard of some good stuff if you’re looking to buy.
Dad - Like what?
Me - (something inserted by the kid “selling” despite that he is a suburban kid by all means)
Dad - Wow, sounds good. I’ll have to think about it.
Me - Dad its now or never. That was the dealer by the way, I don’t sell. I don’t smoke either. You should get in on this stuff.
Dad - blah blah blah “but thanks 4 thinkin of me”
I’m still laughing and ashamed and I really wish that had not happened.
3 - It stormed hellaciously two nights ago, so naturally with that came beer? Because that’s what we kids do. (Gross.) For whatever reason, I forced a guy named Kyle to teach me what shotgunning was, so we could shotgun and I could beat him and then we could run through the rain. We did this. I spilled roughly half a can of natty all down the front of me, drank the rest of someone’s mostly full one in roughly a minute and promptly pulled Kyle outside to insist upon running in the storm. It was pretty awesome, yes, but my throat disagrees greatly. Because I deepthroated that rain and now its stuck in my neck.
4 - At some point of the previous night while we were running in the rain, Kyle notices someone he knows, jumps in his blazer and shouts at me to get in. I do this, because I’m drunk and standing in the middle of a downpour with my clothes sticking to me more than the ground was. No idea who this guy was, but Kyle did in fact leave me with him so he could make out with his girlfriend and I could be in this man’s vehicle when he got pulled over. Because obviously, I wreaked of beer, apparently this guy had seven felonies and ALSO OBVIOUSLY he was not wearing a shirt.
The cop let us go because of some temp tag thing, but when I was dropped off at the friend’s house I’ve been crashing, I ran inside, drenched, to tell the story to every jackass still inside (playing WoW/just waking up) only to be asked “Were you given something? What are you on right now? You’re really hyped up.”
BECAUSE COPS + STRANGERS WHO ARE FELONS, NO.
Aside from those things, I’ve been playing a lot of Wii lately and I’m just saying this, I’m an amazing drummer. Doesn’t matter how you feel about Rock Band, we’re going to the big leagues with this stuff. If there was anything else to do in this damn state… maybe we wouldn’t be so scorned by the reality in our lack of sobriety. There’s just nothing more. I still can’t find a job. Everrryday. Got past the internet addiction and now I can’t stand to sit here. Someone buy me a thing. That will satisfy me when I please and then leave me the fuck alone.
Man, this blog thing is really ridiculous.
Something important and necessary.
I have not slept at my house once this week, or had internet access for more than ten minutes at a time.
It’s been fucking awesome.
Just… Wow. This is what my friends and I speak of at 9 in the morning, neither of us having slept, both of us for some reason checking our myspace like it’s 2006. Hypnotized by the innovative and timely Myspace IM.
There are a lot of gems here, as you might find, but I’ll leave them for safe keeping. (also see: suiciding the world.)
Instead of sleeping or getting ready for our town festival aptly known as Bushwacker Days (yay confederate massaces!), I’m listening to this on repeat and reading much of the talented @weon and some scripts of that guy that seriously needs actors who aren’t huge assholes, WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE?
I just wanted to share that song with someone. Happy Friday.
I’ll be here for a while.
Ah, hell. Did I ruin the picture you were taking of the bird clock that HOOTS every hour? Or were you going for your dresser full of the entire Left Behind series and Dean Koontz? Either way, SORRY I RUINED THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO THE MIDWEST, AGAIN… Mom.
Well played.
- A: man, my life is like a sack of potatoes
- H: you can do a lot with a sack of potatoes.
- you can bake them. you can peel them and put them in almost anything. fry them. make potato salad. think of the possibilities!
- what a great thing to be like, potatoes
- A: yeah
- potatoes are pretty great
- H: potatoes are the staple that hold the world together
- where would we fuckin be
- you lucky potato
- A: well, probably not true, but ill go with it cuz i like potatoes
- My Fair Potato
- H: no its definitely true
- you give somebody a sack of potatoes and he's gonna be one happy dude with limitless options
- A: yeah tell that to an asian person
- and see how true it is
- H: he'll create a potato franchise, be better than mcdonalds and tgifridays TOGETHER IN ONE.
- same as a water chestnut. leave it be
- A: tell that to any race where the potato isnt a major component of their diet
- ******
- H: okay. name one
- A: China
- H: Water Chestnut = Potato. Done.
- you can't refute that because its not true and yet it is
- so, sorry for proving you wrong again
- A: riiiighht
- cuz water chestnuts are potatoes
- ok
- sure
- H: yeah, thats what I said.
- A: i guess i cant refute it
- considering its false info
- so i guess thats right
- H: Me: you can't refute that because its not true and yet it is
- it seems as though you're continually repeating what i have JUST said
- which is nice actually
- so yes. i agree with you agreeing with me
- congratulations on being a sack of potatoes.
- A: all white people are racist
- how about that nugget of info
- can i say thats right
- even tho its not true?
- but cuz i said it
- u cant argue
- H: no. that only works with NEW information to these specific chat boxes.
- you've used that argument many times
- so its invalid
- sorry.
- A: missouri holds more pedophiles rapists and racists than any other state in america
- emphasis on [where I live]
- one living in ur house
- H: OK.
- A: one being you
- H: i guess no one's arguing. despite that I used this rule to BUILD YOU UP, this is pretty typical
- so yes. good addition
- A: yea build me up
- ive been repeating this swift song
- btw
- for your info
- ----------------------------------
- Shocked that this didn't turn into one of those "We're 'play' arguing about something innocuous but BY THE WAY I ACTUALLY REALLY DO HATE YOU, THIS ARGUMENT ABOUT NO DOUBT REMINDED ME." But ending on that note pushed it over the edge.
- Dually well played.
Somehow immediately upon waking up today, I was greeted with the sound of Back That Ass Up. Which would have been fine because I’m a white girl in my 20s, so this could very easily be “my jam” with the right kind of ambiance, provided I have more than a five word knowledge of the lyrics. So now I’m trying to translate this song into English. I think Juvenile would’ve been much more understood had he not been Lebanese.
Got you working with some ass, yeah
You bad, yeah
Make a friend of mine spend his cash, yeah
His last, yeah
Hoes clown when you pass, yeah
(No idea but I just got the freakiest idea for a porn.)
They mad, yeah
You gon’ ride in the Jag, yeah
With dad, yeah
(My father drives a Toyota. Maroon.)
You could smoke or buy a bag, yeah
A grass, yeah
(I had no idea what “buy a bag” meant until the clarification. No one believes me about the genius of this song. Guess there’s no denial now.)
Got money I confess, yeah
And trash, yeah
I’m a Big Tymer kid!, yeah
Pulling trigger, yeah
A player hater to flip with, yeah
Gon’ head and fill it, yeah
I be slanging wood, yeah
Out the hood, yeah
Let it be understood, yeah
It’s all good, yeah
(This is the most poetic story about a farmer I’ve ever heard.)
Got an unpleasant vicenarian screaming large, yeah
On the hard, yeah
A smooth ghetto broad, yeah
I want the broad, yeah
A magician do a trick, yeah
On the dick, yeah
You claiming you want a bitch, yeah
That ain’t shit, yeah
The service worker with the money, yeah
Don’t act funny, yeah
Got birds and I’m running, yeah
‘Bout a hundred, yeah
(????????)
You got to steal, big ass, yeah
Make me laugh, yeah
Make a person with hands wanna grab that
Wanna grab that
I’m sweating on the draws, yeah
On hard, yeah
Wanna walk it like a dog, yeah
Break you off, yeah (— What???)
How you gon’ get yours, yeah
That’s for sure, yeah
You fucking with my nerves, yeah
To the curb, yeah
I know you bitches know, yeah
And it show, yeah
But a considerate male got some more, yeah
I’m ‘bout to flow, yeah
Fresh off some shit, yeah
In his bitch, yeah
We be making hit, yeah
In a split second that song turned morally repugnant, so that’s all.We need a nickname for white people that doubles as either a compliment or something to use to make all other races really uncomfortable. Honkey and Cracker need not apply, they’re way too white.
